| Acts of God
The movies' take on the Almighty tends toward the lighter side.
By Anthony C. Ferrante When it comes to the manifestation of God on film, Hollywood has not been kind to the Lord. Outside of The Ten Commandments, in which His booming, omnipotent voice captured all the power and glory we might expect, most movies (particularly comedies) portray the Lord as a fallible, somewhat cranky and occasionally absent entity that would rather take a vacation than do any hard work. This got us thinking: How do the various actors who have portrayed the Almighty on the big screen over the years measure up? Moving Pictures looked back into the vaults and found an eclectic group of thespians who have assumed the divine mantle. For the following unscientific survey, we skipped animated films and TV, and had to pass over characters who called themselves "God" (Groucho Marx in Skidoo, LL Cool J in In Too Deep) without the higher power to back it up. The nerve! For quick reference, our handy God-O-Meter rates each contender's overall level of godliness. Let the judgment begin. Donald Hayne from The Ten Commandments (1956) Type: A heavenly voice (and sometimes burning bush), but definitely a God of Biblical proportions - authoritative, knows what he wants and punishes those who cross him. Divine Mission: Tells Moses (Charlton Heston) he must go to Egypt and free His people, the Hebrew slaves. Special Powers: Makes a bush burn, shoots deadly lightning from the skies, conjures ominous clouds, writes with fire on the side of a mountain and turns Moses's hair white. Shortcomings: His deep, droning voice is hard to understand at times. That, and the extensive use of "thy" and "thee" make it surprising that Moses gets half of what God is saying. Words of Wisdom: "I will put my laws into their hearts and in their minds I will write them." Could He Strike Fear in the Hearts of Humankind? Don't mess with this Lord; he gets down to business and doesn't take anything from anybody - including Moses. God-O-Meter: 10 (out of 10) Morgan Freeman from Bruce Almighty (2003) Type: Stately, professional, hard-working and the occasional practical joker. Divine Mission: Endows the "power of God" to Jim Carrey when this mortal claims he can do a better job. Special Powers: Has the ability to teleport, turn lights on and off, walk on water and magically give someone seven fingers on one hand instead of five. Shortcomings: Cheapens his image by posing as a janitor. Words of Wisdom: "People want me to do everything for them. What they don't realize is they have the power. You want to see a miracle, son, be the miracle." Could He Strike Fear in the Hearts of Humankind? His exterior veneer is cool, calm and collected, but make Him mad and you'll spend an eternity listening to Him narrate every movie ever made - including Pauly Shore's Bio-dome. God-O-Meter: 9 (out of 10) Graham Chapman from Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) Type: He's a Terry Gilliam-animated God with bushy white beard and a booming, awe-inspiring tone. Slightly impatient and cranky, but don't be surprised if he doesn't belong to the Ministry of Silly Walks. Divine Mission: To give King Arthur and his Knights the task of finding the "Holy Grail." Special Powers: Can part animated skies. Shortcomings: He's drawn by an animator and is not flesh and blood, which means He is vulnerable to erasers and fire. Words of Wisdom: "Every time I try to talk to someone, it's ‘Sorry' this, and ‘Forgive me' that, and ‘I'm not worthy'..." Could He Strike Fear in the Hearts of Humankind? Yes. The threat of having to eat Spam and fight killer rabbits would definitely knock some sense into us. God-O-Meter: 8 (out of 10) George Burns from Oh God! (1977), Oh God! Book II (1980), Oh God! You Devil! (1984) Type: A kindly, grandfather type more likely to be playing a round of golf than looking over us from the heavens. Divine Mission: In Oh God!, he nabs goody two-shoes assistant grocery store manager John Denver to spread his word to the world that there is hope, and the answer is not with Him but with humankind. Later he tries "advertising" in 1980's Oh God! Book II with the term "Think God," while in 1984's Oh God! You Devil, He gives up on spreading the gospel and, instead, wrestles for the soul of a rock star with his look-alike evil counterpart, The Devil. Special Powers: Invisibility, mind-reading, can create additional office space or a rainstorm inside a moving vehicle Shortcomings: Can't spell the word "interview," terrible driver, doesn't even bother to ask John Denver to sing a single lyric from "Take Me Home, Country Roads." Words of Wisdom: "I'm tired of all the talk that I may be dead or that I never was at all or that God was just particles and the cosmos. I'm not gas. I find that very insulting." Could He Strike Fear in the Hearts of Humankind? Only if he was wielding Burns' trademark smoldering cigar in an enclosed space. God-O-Meter: 7 (out of 10) Alanis Morissette from Dogma (1999) Type: Hippie, flip-flop-wearing, silent type who uses Alan Rickman to serve as Her voice. Divine Mission: To take human form once a month to secretly play "Skeeball." When She goes missing, Her various angels (fallen or otherwise) run wild and could potentially destroy humankind if the Last Scion (Linda Fiorentino) doesn't find a way to save the day. Special Powers: Can bring the dead back to life, produce an immaculate conception and erase the evidence of mass carnage - all with a smile. Her blood-curdling "shriek" is her secret weapon. Shortcomings: Can't do head stands very well, likes skeeball and is sometimes mistaken for a very popular pop singer. Words of Wisdom: "Shhhhh." Could She Strike Fear in the Hearts of Humankind? She may come off flighty, but her shriek of death (which can explode your head and heart) is a pretty convincing reason not to cross Her. God-O-Meter: 5 (out of 10) George Murdock from Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989) Type: Arrogant, loud and grandiose in appearance, complete with a floating spiritual head. He is later revealed to be a false god. Divine Mission: Upon being found by the crew of the Enterprise, God decides he wants to steal a Starship to carry his wisdom beyond the Great Barrier. Captain Kirk has the money question: "What does God need with a starship?" Indeed. Special Powers: Can shoot laser beams out of his eyes Shortcomings: He's located in the center of the galaxy, past the Great Barrier. Heck, why doesn't he just print up maps and let everyone know where He is? He can be obliterated by a simple laser blast from a Vulcan ship. Words of Wisdom: "This ship, I must have this ship. Now give me what I want." Could He Strike Fear in the Hearts of Humankind? Those laser beam eyes are pretty threatening, but it's his style of speech - which sounds like Director William Shatner is feeding him line readings - that would scare the bejesus out of anyone. God-O-Meter: 4 (out of 10) Gene Hackman from Two of a Kind (1983) Type: An impatient, disembodied voice speaking from above; prefers vacations and "starting over" because he's disappointed in Man. Divine Mission: Decrees to his four angel minions that they have one week to find the "good in a typical man" or the world will be destroyed. The "man" turns out to be thug John Travolta. Special Powers: Can stop time, bring the dead back to life and create cheesy optical clouds. Shortcomings: He's a bit lazy, having disappeared for a 25-year vacation. When he returns, he has a cold, proving he's not the Almighty he once was. Words of Wisdom: "I think I have to do something drastic. I want to start over. You remember the Bible? Adam and Eve? Maybe I'll start with a woman this time." Could He Strike Fear in the Hearts of Humankind? He's all smoke and mirrors, and the "cold" thing shows weakness. God-O-Meter: 3 (out of 10) Richard Provost/Linda Gary from Switch (1991) Type: A mellow, disembodied He/She voice with very little to say, accented by the physical manifestation of a huge shaft of light. Divine Mission: Forces a chauvinistic man (Jimmy Smits), who is murdered by women he scorned, to live his life as a woman (Ellen Barkin) and, in the process, find one woman who truly likes him/her. Special Powers: Can bring the dead back to life and perform instant sex change operations. Shortcomings: He/She asks too many questions, and even takes advice from the devil. Words of Wisdom: "Take your time; you have all eternity." Could She/He Strike Fear in the Hearts of Humankind? Only if becoming the opposite sex scares you. God-O-Meter: 2 (out of 10) Hank The Angry Dwarf from Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger IV (2000) Type: Lecherous, angry and short. Divine Mission: To drink and grope at women. Special Powers: Can send mutated superheroes stuck in the space-time continuum back to their own universe. Shortcomings: He drinks and gropes women, isn't that enough? Plus, Heaven only has a population of 16, which means he's not doing much to inspire mankind to enter through his dirty New Jersey gates. Words of Wisdom: "And tell the Pope to stop talking about me. He doesn't know me, he's an asshole, and tell him that his hat looks fucking stupid." Could He Strike Fear in the Hearts of Humankind? Only if you were six years old. God-O-Meter: 1 (out of 10) Illustration by Jeremie Lederman | 
